Cardiac Support Group

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

So today I went to my first ever heart condition support group and oh boy did it come just when I needed it. Lately I feel like I'm trapped in a body that isn't me. I look perfectly fit and healthy on the outside but on the inside I feel like I'm wearing down and always sick.

Something I learned at the support group was that sometimes you just need to talk things out. I feel like I can be the most raw and totally honest when I write. I've always been a bit afraid of letting it all out because I don't want to seem ungrateful for what I have. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to get sympathy, that I'm negative, or unhappy.

I am happy! I am very grateful for the things that I have, but I also need to be honest, and say things how they really are.

Things are tough for me right now. I hate that I've been unemployed since July. I hate even more than I don't feel like I have the energy to have a full time job. Things that used to be so easy for me now take a lot of effort. It's a struggle to decide to get dressed and ready rather than stay in my sweats all day. I get tired so easy. Sometimes I can sleep for 13 or 14 hours at night and still feel like I need a nap. I am scared to death that I might have to be on a pace maker for the rest of my life. I'm 22 years old! That's not how things were supposed to happen. I'm scared that one of the best cardiac ablation surgeons is too nervous to work on my heart. It worries me that he thinks it's too risky.

We each have tokens and we can only spend 10 a day. Most people may only need 1/10th of a token to go to the grocery store where as grocery shopping uses up 4 tokens for me. If I spend more tokens than I have I pay for it in the coming days. One day I outdid myself at the gym and biked for 15 minutes while my heart rate was at 200 bpm. I used probably 30 tokens that day and so for the next few days I felt like I couldn't do anything.

One man said that he wishes that he would have lost his arm rather than have a heart condition. It's hard for people to understand how you are feeling when you look so healthy on the outside.

My body is constantly tired, it aches, and my heart feels like its going to fly out of my chest. It's only temporary though. I had lunch after the support group with my new friend Kimi, and she told me to keep on pushing through it. Don't get discouraged that the ablation failed. There may be a reason. Maybe technology will advance while I'm waiting and by the time my next ablation comes around they can fix it and heal my heart.

It looks like I most likely have endometriosis, and while that stinks there is so good behind it. I finally know why my body always hurts. I know why I never have an appetite, and why I am nauseous so often. At least now I have an answer. Answers are always better than wondering.

So this is me. Being raw, and honest, and real. I challenge you to do the same. We all have things we're going through. Open up and talk about them. Let someone help. Let someone love you and be supportive of you.

26 comments:

  1. wow, that is amazing Kelsey! I am so sorry you are going through so much. I truly am, I will be thinking of you.

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    1. And again, at least I don't have a boot and a broken ankle!

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  2. I'm so glad you found some support! It can be so hard to struggle with something no one can see. That doesn't make it any less legitimate, though.

    I often find myself feeling overwhelmed with things that I think are supposed to be easy (i.e. parenthood, daily chores, etc) and then I remember that life isn't supposed to be easy. It's okay to feel like stuff is hard. That doesn't mean I automatically enjoy those tasks, but changing my perspective can help. True, I usually have to do it daily, but at least I'm trying!

    I get what you're saying about being relieved to have a diagnosis, too. It can be just the validation you need to feel reassured you're not just crazy!

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    1. Parenthood is not supposed to be easy! I commend all mothers. Seriously that is a tough job.

      All we can do is try and put our best foot forward! :)

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  3. Holy cow, all that and you're only 22?? I can see how frustrating it would be to see a healthy person in the mirror and still not be able to do all the things you want to.

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    1. Haha I know. Sometimes I swear I am stuck in an 80 year old man's body.

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  4. Very happy that you found some sort of support & can bond with people who are going through the same sort of things you are. Praying for you girlfriend.. =)

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    1. Thank you! You can never get too many prayers! :)

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  5. Hi there pretty lady!

    First of all, I wish I could give you a giant hug. (And maybe since we are both in Utah, I will be able to soon at a blogger meetup!) I'm so excited I found your blog, I'm your newest follower. I empathize with needing support and opening your heart on your blog with your health struggles. It can be a very emotional roller coaster!

    Much love and many blessings!
    xoxo.

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    1. Well I will always have my arms outstretched ready for a hug! Hurray for Utah bloggers!

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  6. i hope you're always open and honest. i've seen a number of bloggers who start off open and raw like this and then with a larger following they start to become more generic and closed off. i feel like all i read from them is perfection and optimism. so i hope as your little blog grows that you will stay open. life sucks sometimes. that's just the facts. and i don't think we should have to shield others from thinking that it doesn't. so i appreciate this post and you letting all of us in on your stuggles. chin up, buttercup. :) you've got a larger support group than you think!

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    1. I PROMISE to always be open and honest. The whole reason why I blog is to be open and honest so I feel like I would be cheating myself if I wasn't.

      It's been so great "meeting" you Kate! You are so sweet and kind!

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  7. you are seriously so amazing. i would of never known, because you're right you look so perfectly healthy on the outside. its so great that you can be so open and have support. i hope that things get better for you and that you can ways to gain energy. right now i'm in a mind, body health class and its so important that your spirit and mind stay strong at this time. its good that you have an answer and i hope that things work our for the best. i'm always here for you pretty lady, hope you have a great rest of the week!

    K

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    1. That sounds awesome! You should blog about it!! I would love to learn more about that! I learned a little bit in esthetician school with massage and chakras, and meridians. That would be super interesting to learn about!

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  8. Oh Beautiful Kels! I love you! I will be home over Thanksgiving Break...then moving home in December! I would love to get together more and talk. You are such a great example. Keep up the contagious, positive attitude that you have.

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    1. Will you be up at Grandma's? Tim and I will be up for dinner and then will be heading down to Perry afterwards. It will be so nice when you are home because then I can see you much much more! I love you so much!!

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  9. Love you Kelsey! Stay strong!!! We will keep you in our prayers. XOXO

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  10. Prayers are with you, Kel! I can't imagine how hard that must be. I feel like we're all given different trials so that we can understand and support each other...and talking about things is the best way to start that. Thank you so much for being real and open! And for being an awesome blog friend. :-)

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    1. You are so right. So glad we are bloggy friends Stefani!! :)

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  11. Sending happy thoughts your way. I can totally sympathize on the not "looking" sick part. I have a brain injury so most people don't understand why I'm not feeling well when I look fine on the outside. xoxo

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    1. Yikes! That sounds awful. :( Is it something you were born with?

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    2. wow, that is ruff. I am 21 but I have never had to deal with something like that. Its sooo awesome that you have a support group to help you out and be there for you!!

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  12. Kelsey, you are such an amazing example. I love your blog so much and I love that you are so honest. I'm sure you are touching so many more lives than you would ever know. I am praying for you and hoping that everything gets better and things get figured out. We're so lucky to have the Gospel and know that miracles happen.

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    1. You are too sweet Ali. So glad we've become blog friends! :)

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  13. Just found your blog and am trying to catch up. I have severe endometriosis and talk about it on my blog occasionally. If you need anyone to talk to I'm always available :)

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