So today I went to my first ever heart condition support group and oh boy did it come just when I needed it. Lately I feel like I'm trapped in a body that isn't me. I look perfectly fit and healthy on the outside but on the inside I feel like I'm wearing down and always sick.
Something I learned at the support group was that sometimes you just need to talk things out. I feel like I can be the most raw and totally honest when I write. I've always been a bit afraid of letting it all out because I don't want to seem ungrateful for what I have. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to get sympathy, that I'm negative, or unhappy.
I am happy! I am very grateful for the things that I have, but I also need to be honest, and say things how they really are.
Things are tough for me right now. I hate that I've been unemployed since July. I hate even more than I don't feel like I have the energy to have a full time job. Things that used to be so easy for me now take a lot of effort. It's a struggle to decide to get dressed and ready rather than stay in my sweats all day. I get tired so easy. Sometimes I can sleep for 13 or 14 hours at night and still feel like I need a nap. I am scared to death that I might have to be on a pace maker for the rest of my life. I'm 22 years old! That's not how things were supposed to happen. I'm scared that one of the best cardiac ablation surgeons is too nervous to work on my heart. It worries me that he thinks it's too risky.
We each have tokens and we can only spend 10 a day. Most people may only need 1/10th of a token to go to the grocery store where as grocery shopping uses up 4 tokens for me. If I spend more tokens than I have I pay for it in the coming days. One day I outdid myself at the gym and biked for 15 minutes while my heart rate was at 200 bpm. I used probably 30 tokens that day and so for the next few days I felt like I couldn't do anything.
One man said that he wishes that he would have lost his arm rather than have a heart condition. It's hard for people to understand how you are feeling when you look so healthy on the outside.
My body is constantly tired, it aches, and my heart feels like its going to fly out of my chest. It's only temporary though. I had lunch after the support group with my new friend Kimi, and she told me to keep on pushing through it. Don't get discouraged that the ablation failed. There may be a reason. Maybe technology will advance while I'm waiting and by the time my next ablation comes around they can fix it and heal my heart.
It looks like I most likely have endometriosis, and while that stinks there is so good behind it. I finally know why my body always hurts. I know why I never have an appetite, and why I am nauseous so often. At least now I have an answer. Answers are always better than wondering.
So this is me. Being raw, and honest, and real. I challenge you to do the same. We all have things we're going through. Open up and talk about them. Let someone help. Let someone love you and be supportive of you.