Getting Personal
Today I am feeling weak. I feel insignificant and unimportant. Why is it that we, especially women, are constantly comparing ourselves to others? It hit me today as I was studying for a test. Why can't I pass this test? I've been studying for it for months and months. I've taken it three and missed the acceptance rate by one question every time. I finally broke down today and just feel defeated. Why are some things so hard for me when they come so easily to others?
I tried to go birthday shopping for my husband today and had to turn around and come home after less than 45 minutes. My entire body ached and my stomach and back felt like it was being squeezed tight by a chain of barbwire. Why can't it go away? Why am I being faced with this trial? I've had it long enough. When will the pain go away? I never want to feel like I'm constantly complaining or being negative so I try to keep so much of it inside. When people ask how I'm doing or what I've been up to I just want to cry and tell them that every day I hurt. Every muscle throbs and I can hardly take it anymore. I'd be an emotional wreck if I did that, and that's the last thing I want to be portrayed as.
I'm unemployed right now. I'm in a transition stage of my life. I'm waiting to go back to school in May and continuously trying to study so I can get licensed and be done with my previous schooling. I feel like less of a woman that I don't have a career. I feel insignificant that I am not incredibly busy. Why is it that the world glorifies busy? I know that we need to be constantly engaged in doing good things but I feel like nowadays the busier you are the more important and the better you are.
Why do you think that the world glorifies busy? Do you ever feel put down by not being caught up in the race of life?
You really do feel like you are important if you are busy. I am a teacher and during times when we are out I feel like my career is less imporant as I sit at home and clean house while my friends and their careers are taking them all over the country.
ReplyDeleteSometimes stillness helps us reflect on what is important, our relationships.
I struggled for the longest time with feeling inadequate, like what I was doing wasn't measuring up to some invisible "norm." Heck, I still struggle with it. The truth is, though, we were all put on this Earth to fulfill our own individual purpose. There's a book that Josephine has that I love and at the end it says "Because never before in story or rhyme, not even once upon a time, has the world ever known a you my friend - and it never will, not ever again."
ReplyDeleteSometimes kid's books just get it right. I guess what I'm trying to say is...you're awesome and special and you have so much to offer. (And I only know you through your blog!) I know it's hard, but don't beat yourself up because what you have to offer isn't the same as someone else. Because...you rock.
Praying for you, girlie! I hope these burdens are lightened soon.
I can totally relate to you hun. esp with the being unemployed and going back to college deal. I cant go back til August. I'd love to chat with you sometime. I always enjoy chatting online with people that have been in the same things that Ive been thru. I also know that when you're this tied down and going thru so much and you feel like you cant go anymore. That's how I've felt for a week now and the slightest thing upsets me and gets my nerves up. and pain I deal with stomach pain daily and have for 9 yrs due to lack of gallbladder. If noone has been in your shoes before noone knows exactly how you feel. They can say you complain alot or that you're this or that you're that but clearly if they walked a mile in your shoes and felt how you felt they'd know then exactly how it is. Everyone struggles. But when I have hard times and feel I cant go anymore. I turn to the Lord above and I go online to youtube and find videos by Casting Crowns and listen to songs of theirs. Such as "praise you in this storm", "who am i" and others. I always tend to focus more on others problems even when i may feel bad or when i'm going thru stuff. I feel it's what God wants me to do. So if I can help in any way let me know hun. Rather that's listening to your vent or pray for you sweetie. I know you dont know me that good but I'd love to get to know each and everyone of my followers and all. and vise versa.
ReplyDeleteKelsey, never feel like less, because YOU are enough. I feel inadequate all.the.time, so I know it is natural. You are faced with this trial because it will make you better, don't ask me how because I don't know, but I know it will. Everyone has trials, and sometimes there is nothing wrong with not being busy, you are not less then. Right now I think with the pain you are experiencing, it would be much worse if you were too busy. I am praying for you to feel better, and never forget how wonderful you are.
ReplyDeletei actually have felt a lot of the same feelings lately on trails. the why questions and when are these trials going to be done. Sometimes I feel if I look at the bigger picture, and take one day at a time, life can still be great! I started keeping a gratitude journal, trying to think of something everyday I am grateful for and it has helped me look at the positive. I think you are doing amazing, and dont worry, its ok to have downer days :) it makes the good days even better :)
ReplyDeletei have the opposite problem. kind of. i am so busy that i am jealous of the people that aren't. when i am on campus for 13 hours only to make it home to have to do homework, i wonder how people like my neighbors sit at home all day long, not really doing anything. i wonder how they aren't being productive, all the things they could do with their spare time. i'm not sure if the world glorifies busy, but i feel more like lds women glorify busy, its the whole "supermom" problem. however, one day i look forward to maybe doing almost nothing. we will see.
ReplyDeletehowever, i hope that you do get feeling better soon. and i know you will do well on your test! if you need any help or any studying tests (not that i am the best students) let me know and i will give you my tips. well wishes to you lady and take advantage of this time you have, trust me. use it to build up your strength.
K
Yes! I know exactly how you're feeling. Especially being a stay at home mom. It's very easy to start feeling invisible and unimportant. Hubby is about to be unemployed and this not knowing is literally effecting everything - my health, future plans - I just feel like we're having to start over when everyone is forging ahead. It sucks!
ReplyDeleteHold tight! Going through a different version of the same stuff.
www.mommacandy.com
Oh Kelsey, I'm so sorry you're going through this trial right now. You know what? I think sharing your pain and thoughts at this time in your life is HUGE. Who knows who you might touch that needs some one to relate to or to take inspiration from your strength. Hang in there. You are not a single iota less of a woman....so don't let your negative thoughts tell you that one more second. Praying for you dear. :)
ReplyDeleteoh the world of the American mindset to be busy, busy, busy! You are not insignificant! Not in one little bit! Enjoy life! Take time to soak up the sun and air. Enjoy your friends and husband and family! So may people are stuck inside doing busy things that don't matter at the end of the day. Praying for you "big" =)
ReplyDeleteLife is all about moving forward and then taking 4 steps back. And, just when we're at our lowest, it seems that everyone's success is dangled right in our face. :( But, I've learned to look at it like this...Someone may look like they have it all, but they most likely don't. Someone may have a ton of money, but they may struggle in their marriage. Someone may be so gorgeous, but they suffer from a health disorder. Someone may have a perfect marriage and kids, but they may struggle financially. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle, but we only get to see their good stuff. Hugs to you! Please know that everyone can relate to your post, so don't beat yourself up. Thank you for your honesty. Sending prayers your way! Maybe tomorrow will be better?? P.S. Busy is NOT better!
ReplyDeleteXO,
Meredith
new follower here, found you through LEEIB. everyone has tough days, but remember it's just a bad day not a bad life. I sometimes need that advice myself. I also recently heard this, "instead of wishing you were someone else, be proud of who you are. you never know who has been looking at you wishing they were you." stay strong!
ReplyDeletefirst I am so sorry about everything you are going through. I can't even imagine. I agree that we do glorify busy but that there is nothing wrong with slowing down and taking the time you need to just get caught up. I feel overwhelmed with everything thats going on , but your health has to come first!
ReplyDeleteI really think the "busy is important" thing is really an american culture thing that has only recently began to take negative effects on people. I personally don't think anyone is "not busy" we just have our own types of busy and some are just more chaotic than others. You are definitely not any less of a person because although you may not have day to day busy stuff, you are quite a busy person in other areas (or at least so I read). I hope this comes to pass and I wish you the best!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear this babe! I can't even fathom what you're going through! I agree with Jonna above. The "busy equals successful" mantra is likely an American one. Americans are the people that work the most in any given year. European cultures do NOT have this mantra. Anyway, keep your chin up! I know what you're studying is hard. I also felt defeated many times in college. The important thing isn't feeling defeated....it's how you recover after that that counts. Much hugs and love to you!
ReplyDeleteYou have the rest of your life to work! That's what I always tell people. If finances are manageable for the moment try not to worry about it. Enjoy the moments that you have right now not being caught up in the rat race. Busy is not always good. Savor this time now because once you do get going with school and/or career you will wish for these peaceful moments again. I used to get very down about my career or lack thereof. I've finally come to a point of acceptance but it still bothers me now and then. I just have to push it aside. I am me and no one else. I can't compare myself to others. Neither can you! You are worthy, you are smart and you are still very young. You have so much time to figure things out.
ReplyDeleteBusy is such a strange thing. Our society craves it because it increases productivity, which is a load of crap. Down time is just as important, if not MORE important, than productive time. During Christmas break I kid you not I did nothing but laundry and watch Neflix for three weeks. Productive? No. Amazingly refreshing? Yes. Get some you time, recharge and then kick some butt on that test! Praying for you girl :)
ReplyDeleteI can identify with you so much in different ways. The whole "being busy" thing is so overrated. I'm a newlywed with two kids (3 and 5 from my husband's previous marriage), have a career I love and a fulfilling life, but you know what? I long for peace, for stillness and quiet and for a slower pace. I wouldn't trade my life for anything in this world and God has blessed me tremendously, but I look at it from the other side. I see all these moms and wives talking about all the things they're doing, the crafts they're making and the trips they're planning and I wonder how in the world they do it all because honestly, I can't imagine. How do they sleep? Don't let yourself feel bad because you aren't in the "busy" stage of life. It will come!
ReplyDeleteWe had an amazing year last year, but as soon as January started, things started flying at us. I wonder why we have these trials and I wonder why I have some of the feelings I have like with comparison and the like {I haven't ever been that type of person}, but what I've learned is that the enemy wants nothing more than to destroy our joy and he is going to try to get us in every place and that includes those places that have not ever been "issues" before.
I'm like you in that I don't like to complain and I hold things like stress and worry inside. It eats at me and then I feel like a horrible person when I do confide my stresses and worries because I'm always the happy one. And while it's true that like 97.3% of the time I'm happy as can be, there are those times especially when I'm super rushed and super stressed that I just feel blah and I don't like it.
I've started writing down Bible verses and putting them on my computer and in a notebook I carry with me. They're great reminders throughout the day when I start to worry about our boys, my husband's job situation {he lost his job last month} and other things.
Keep your head up and know that you aren't alone in feeling this way. I think we all have times like that. A positive outlook and prayer are the best things.
Alright, I'll stop with the novel! :)
Kels,
ReplyDeleteFirst off I am so amazed that our posts are so similar! You know that I know how you are feeling. It is SO hard. Constant pain...nobody understands, and you just wonder to yourself or to God "Why? Why me? Why do I have to feel this way?!" and it's a constant battle. I also feel like a nobody right now because I do not have a career, and I come from a successful family. Meaning, I am the black sheep of my family and it's embarrassing to friends that I am unemployed, as well. I sooo know how you feel, girl. All I can say to encourage you is this:
After talking to me through some emails, you KNOW you are not alone. You are such a beautiful, smart, talented, incredible woman and do not ever worry about being negative or constantly complaining on your blog. This is YOUR blog, your space to write, and if people don't want to read what you have to say, they can click the "x" in the top right corner. I, personally, love to read your blog, because you inspire me with your strength. You help me to know that I am not alone with my health issues and constantly battling. We're in this together! You can always, always email me if you need to vent.
PS. If I lived in your city, I would come kidnap you and take you on a lady date where we could talk about all of our problems, find solutions (if there are any), go shopping, and become the best of friends. Also, find comfort in knowing that you have such a supportive man by your side. We are lucky, in that aspect.
Big Hugs,
Brani <3
thatsjustlovelyb.blogspot.com
hope you are feeling better physically and emotionally today, and hope your husband is spoiling you to no end.
ReplyDeleteHappy Valentine's Day!
floral&fudge
beautiful post. and yes, the world glorifies busy. I think a large part of that is it is a distraction. it distracts us from thinking, dwelling, resting, and enjoying the little things. when I was between school & a job it was one of the hardest times of my life. I had to learn to enjoy that season because the rest was a gift. it was a time when i really could slow down and pour into my relationship with the Lord and those around me. I needed accept the rest the Lord wanted to give me.... as hard as this time can be, enjoy it. read. rest. sleep. learn. spend time with others. you will never have this time back. life keeps moving.
ReplyDeleteyou are valuable and worth it. i pray you can see that in the little things.
I'm so sorry, sweet girl. I am sending prayers your way. I hope you start feeling better soon. What you said about "busy" being glorified in our culture has always bothered me. Watching my mother be ridiculed because she was a SAHM and wasn't working was always so confusing to me. Just because you aren't working right now doesn't mean you are any less important. Everyone goes through transitions, and this is just one of those times.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are your husband had a wonderful Valentine's day together. :)
First of all I am upset with myself that I haven't read your blog in...well, TOO long! I follow you on instagram and sometimes, the peeps I follow the most are the blogs I read the least...(doesn't make sense) haha. but here goes my advice on this post: I remember the day I gave my notice at the bank....I was a marketing coordinator and was due for a promotion soon...that promotion included more money AND an office on the 2nd floor (which was where all the executives were...) but instead, I did what was important....there were the few that tried making me feel insignificant and less of a woman that I was quitting "just" to stay home with my daughter but in all actuality, we are all called to be unique and special and the Lord has given us something to do - it's not always what others expect of you or want you to do. I encourage you to seek Him and when you do, it won't matter what the others say...it's hard to let those words and feelings bounce off, but you can do it!
ReplyDeleteHere in the Northeast everything is so fast paced and everyone is always on the go, that it puts an huge amount of pressure to be constantly busy. At work everyone is always competing for who is busier and who works the longest hours, like it is something to brag about or make one person more important.
ReplyDeleteWhile most of us do compare ourselves to others, whether it be looks, intelligence, or even who is busier, I think it is important to remember that we were all put here for different reasons and are going to take different paths in our lives. Our values and beliefs are not going to be the same, so while some might feel being busy make their life complete, for others, family and health are whats important. I think what is most important is that living by your values is what makes your life significant.
Your post makes me think of the story of the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee. If you haven't heard of it, you should google it. Stay focused on the "golf balls" in your life - your family, your husband, your health, friends and all your favorite passions, and your life will always be full.
Deana
TesoriBelle.com